Oh wow, I haven't updated my journal in a looooooong time. Well, better late than never.

Ok, first off, I'm NOT DEAD!!!(obviously, or else......who in the hell is posting this?!). Second, I want to say to you all, friends/watchers alike, I am deeply sorry for falling off the face of the earth. I know that I probably had some of you worried, possibly scared that something happened to me, but I'm fine, just been going through alot of shit. I had lost most, if not all interest in my dA and cos.com pages. I really don't know why, but I did. I just didn't feel like posting anything. I guess that's what happens when real life kicks into high gear, and you really start putting things into perspective.

I guess the first place to start would be where it all began. When I first joined dA I had just gotten over a very dark place in my life. My very first boyfriend broke my heart and dumped me, I was depressed most of the time; mainly because I had no life outside of working, then coming home and sewing/creating stuff, playing video games, oh, and sleep. I decided it might be good for me to branch out a bit, and show off some of my work and get valuable feedback. So, I joined dA. I have to say, it was actually a very big moment in my life. Little did I know that this site would change my life forever.

dA literally became my life. I was always on, commenting, browsing, and posting stuff since people loved my work so much. It gave me a reason to create, a reason to be proud of myself. Then, it happened; August 1st 2007, I randomly stumbled across this piece:



And that's when I met the love of my life. And my life was never the same. Nether one of us knew that just under a year later we would meet in real life. I gave up the life I was living in CA (or lack thereof) for Mike, and even though I have my moments of doubt, I never NEVER regret what I did for him, for us, for our love for eachother.

That is not to say that the whole thing was just a breeze though. Alot of things happened last year that really hit me hard; my cat Milo that I had had since I was 9 passed away while I was out of state. My grandparents moved out of the house that I had grown up in the past 14 years. My best friend of 14 years was going off to college. I was leaving everything I had ever known behind, all for one man. I seriously never thought I would do that for anyone, but God showed me different.

But after the move, after everything had settled, I was still going through alot. I was still processing everything that had happened in that short span of time. I eventually got over it all, but there was still some things that I had forgotten about. And then it all hit me; everything that I was secretly going through was finally coming to the surface. Everything that I hid away deep inside was coming out, trying to ruin everything I had worked so hard to build. I never realized how many bad habits I had, but wow, I'm disgusted.

My main issue; procrastination. I never used to procrastinate this much. I also lose my temper very easily, I attack those I love unintentionally, I'm really immature about growing up and doing grownup things (mainly getting my license) and I've become very lazy. I never realized I had all these habits since I was in survival mode most of the time when I was single and alone. But now that I actually need to be mature and responsible, I fail at every test, every turn, and it makes me feel like such an idiot. I literally have moments where I just want to beat myself up. I am becoming the very people I used to live with and was disgusted with.

And that's where Mike comes in. Despite my best efforts, he still loves me now, more than ever, and he continues to help me and support me through all these tough times. I try to do the same for him, but I feel like I don't do a good job. I feel so selfish sometimes, and I used to be one of the most selfLESS people I know. I guess I turned selfish when I had so many people taking advantage of me left and right on a regular basis.

The other main thing I've been dealing with is weight. Now, when I was back at home in CA, I was walking on a regular basis, I exercised every night, and I ate pretty healthy. Well, every since I moved to WI, I've gained 20 lbs, I've had terrible eating habits, and I don't get any exercise (except at work). That is one of the main reasons I've not worked on any of my cosplays, except one secret one. I don't fit into anything I made a year and a half ago, and I don't want to remake everything.

I hope this explains alot about myself and my recent behavioral change. I'm not trying to gain sympathy or trying to get attention, I just thought you all deserved to know why I've been the way I've been. And I hope I can make it up to you all soon.

So, needless to say I've had alot on my plate lately, which would explain my lack of progress on anything, and my lack of presence here on dA. I am however doing much better, we are going to be moving into a bigger house next week, one where I will have my own sewing space in the basement, AND for much less rent!!! What does all this mean? Expect alot of awesome new and redone projects. I also plan to get back into shape and drop all this weight. I need to look somewhat sexy if I plan to cosplay as Midna. I will make another journal once we get moved in, along with pics of the new rooms and a list of my summer projects.


Talk to you all soon!